Old Skool is now in session…
1. Keebler Magic Middles
In the mighty words of text language: OMG!!! Basically, it was a miniature cookie with chocolate fudge in the middle. Genius, Keebler! Simply genius. Also, kudos for the little Keebler Elf who keeps on hustling to this day. At least they haven’t killed some of our favorite product characters. Not only that, but the lucky little bastards gets to the live in some cool, shady tree far away from the congested cities most of us live in…all while making cookies!
2. Sports Cards
Back in the day, boys would trade cards. These were sports card, not of those bullshit Pokemon, Yugiyoh or Suckadik cards kids trade these days. The real reason sports cards lost 95% of their steam was the greedy ass manufacturers who produced them. Up until the late 80’s, early 90’s, packs of sports cards were .50-2.00 for the glossy stuff. All of the sudden, packs started getting into the $3-8 dollars range and kids (and parents) started saying, “Kiss my ass, I’m not paying that much!” It wasn’t long after that sports cards took a dive like Bear Stearns during the 2008 stock market crash. But collecting sports cards always provided you with something you may not get from a lot of other children’s hobbies: something that gets more valuable with time.
3. Squeeze-It
What a great drink this was from one our favorite baking moms, Betty Crocker. It was called Squeeze-It because you it came in very efficient plastic bottles with a simple plastic top that twisted off with one turn. It wasn’t healthy or anything but for those who like sugary drinks, Squeeze-Its were the shit. These got replaced with bullshit like flavored water and zero calorie Coke, beverages that were created to make consumers think they’re drinking something healthy. Back then, you knew you were getting sugar and they didn’t beat around the bush about it.
4. The Ren & Stimpy Show
South Park, Family Guy, or any other adult cartoon series really owes its respects to both The Simpsons and the often-forgotten Ren & Stimpy Show. If you don’t believe me, rent it or stream it or whatever the hell you do and see how disgusting it was. To this day, I still think it was the greatest cartoon ever invented. I used to piss myself from laughing so hard. The day I found out it was cancelled, I thought of plotting a horrible an attack on MTV. These days, I still want to attack MTV but now it’s because of that disgustingly pitiful show about teenaged losers they call Teen Mom.
Deaf Sage 