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Stop Fucking Up My Movies!

You know Hollywood has run out of ideas when they have to continue remaking movies at a ridiculous rate. Even worse, the remakes are more often than not a hot, steaming pile of dog shit. Look, part of what makes a movie great is that it distinguishes itself from all the others. Remaking great films is like remaking the recipe for McDonald’s fries: If ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Already Been Remade

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THE KARATE KID (1984)

Starring: Ralph Macchio, Pat Morita, Elisabeth Shue

The Crane kick, Cobra Kai, young Elisabeth Shue, Johnny, and the immortal Mr. Miyagi. Also, for those of you that don’t know, Pat Morita earned a best supporting actor nominee for his role as Mr. Miyagi. Wax on, wax off, bitches!

Remake should have been called: Gettin’ Kicky With It

Starring: Jaden Smith (Will Smith’s son – Will Smith also produces this), Jackie Chan

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RED DAWN (1984)

Starring: Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen, C. Thomas Howell, Lea Thompson

Not that the original Red Dawn was a great movie but it was a cult classic and certainly cool for its time. In all honesty, and this is coming from a fan, this isn’t even a good enough movie to be remade. But since Hollywood has creative erectile dysfunction, they went ahead and remade it into cinematic feces.

Remake should have been called: Red Dawn of the Douche

Starring: Who gives a shit?

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Total Recall (1990)

Starring: Arnold Schwarznegger, Sharon Stone, Rachel Ticotin

Since there hasn’t been a good action star since Schwarznegger, Hollywood figured: Why not remake a classic Arnold flick? Well, because Arnold is in his 60’s and Colin Farrell isn’t an action star. Besides, you can’t rehash the memory of the 3-tittied woman.

Remake should have been called: Total ReCrap

And now for some remakes that are soon to splatter diarrhea at multiplexes near you.

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Rosemary’s Baby (1968)

Oh boy! Let’s remake one of the greatest horror movies of all time! Hollywood needs to take a long trip on the short bus. This is ridiculous.

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MEATBALLS (1979)

Bill Murray took this movie to another level of comedy. Because of him, we remember it. Let’s keep remembering it without a remake.

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The Warriors (1979)

How the hell are you going to remake this one? Unless it’s a small street gang that has to make it back home by going through Crips, Bloods, MS13s, Gangster Disciples and Vice Lords, this will be useless. If they do manage to make this with the aforementioned gangs, I’m all in. But if that’s the case, the little gang ain’t making it home.

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THE LAST DRAGON (1985)

“Leroy!” It always gives me goose bumps when Sho’nuff (The Shogun of Harlem) calls him out. Look, this movie is a cult classic because it’s good in a terrible, cheesy way. It also has Vanity who was the smoking hot Beyonce/Vanessa Williams of the 80’s. Besides, do we really want to see Samuel L. Jackson (rumored to be on board) in another shitty movie?

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GHOSTBUSTERS (1984)

This is the only upcoming remake I give the benefit of the doubt to. Why? Because apparently, all the original stars will be in it. That means Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis, Ernie Hudson and possibly even Rick Moranis will be coming back. If it still sucks then movie fans should riot in Hollywood.

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